It kills the family too
by laxwriter
Summary: Kurt Hummel accused her of being insensitive, of not understanding how Dave Karofsky could try and kill himself. Kurt was wrong, Quinn knew all to well. One shot based off the God Squad scene in ON MY WAY. Deals with suicide. 4/23/13: added Kurt to important characters


**A/N: Another ficlet that jumped into my brain. I expect many more, as Ryan and Co. or FOX has put GLEE on a 7 week hiatus which let my mind wonder to the Glee "What if" land way to often. This is inspired from Kurt and Quinn's confrontation during the God Squad meeting. I was so mad at Kurt for how he just dismissed Quinn's problems. For insinuating that being gay is so much harder than getting pregnant at 16 and being kicked out of your home. Both are equally as difficult. I wish Quinn had stood up for herself more, but alas she didn't because god forbid Ryan and Co acknowledge how difficult things have been for Quinn. Lets delve into everyone else's problems/drama but gloss over Quinn's like having to give up your child isn't the hardest decision anyone, let a 16 year old could make. Alright, done my rant. Hope you all like the story. Also this story deals with sensitive matter of Suicide. Please review. Disclaimer: I do not own GLEE or any of it's characters. GLEE belongs to FOX and it's creators.**

"Oh please, you have no clue what Karofsky was going through, the self-hatred, shame." Kurt's words stabbed at her heart and she shook her head.

"Yes because being kicked out of your own home, by the people who are supposed to love you the most doesn't hurt at all. Having to give up the child you carried for nine months, the only thing that gave you hope during that time, because you knew it was best for her, no that isn't the worse feeling anyone can ever experience." Quinn replied staring straight at Kurt. Everyone fell quiet and the boy took a small step back.

"Quinn, I…"

She cut him off, "I may not know what it is like to be gay, but I do know what it's like to have to hide who you truly are, just to be accepted. I know what it's like to hate yourself so much because of your mistakes; I know what it's like to see disappointment and disgust in your parents' eyes as they look at you. I know the pain of realizing your father never wants to see you again." Quinn paused closing her eyes trying to stop the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Quinn, I didn't…" She interrupted him again not allowing him to apologize until he heard everything.

"For over a year I lived with a gapping whole in my chest Kurt, one that grew larger and larger every day that Beth and my father were not a part of my life anymore. I know I'm to blame for losing them both, and the guilt of that is unbearable. But never once did I think to give up, to end my life just to ease the pain I was going through. Suicide is selfish, pure and simple. It hurts your loved ones more than you can possibly know. Is the relief of your pain really worth putting your family, the people you love most, in that sort of pain and agony? No it's not. I've been on that side and" she shakes her head, "It's horrible. The agony you feel after someone you love takes their life, its indescribable. The what ifs that run through your head are unstoppable. All you do is think about what you could of done to help, you feel like a failure, like it's your fault that they thought that death was the only solution. But it's not your fault, and coming to that realization takes years, and you never truly heal."

No one said anything for a few moments. Quinn didn't really notice, she was trying to keep herself composed, it was hard though when all the memories she'd long suppressed came rushing back to her.

"What are you talking about Quinn? What do mean you know what it's like to be Karofsky's family?" Mercedes asks quietly.

Quinn looked up her eyes meeting Mercedes', then Joe's and Sam's and finally Kurt's. "There is a reason why there are eight years between my sister and I, and it wasn't because I was an afterthought or an accident. I had a brother, Jeremiah, he was four years older than me. He was my best friend despite our age difference. We played together all the time, we read the same books, and watched the same shows. Jeremiah was so handsome; he was tall, with dark blonde hair and green eyes. Though he was athletic he didn't like sports. He was an academic, like I was. He was the happiest kid until he got to high school. Belleville, well if you think McKinely is bad, we have nothing on Belleville. They tormented him for years. Called him a fag, not because he was gay, he wasn't, but because he was on the debate time, the mathletes, the chest club, and the physics club. Jerry was the smartest person I knew, and instead of being praised for all the accolades he got for his intelligence, he was brutalized and made to feel like he was nothing. We grew even closer than, because I was going through the same thing he was, in the middle school. Our parents didn't understand they'd both been popular in school, Frannie didn't get it, she was Prom Queen junior and senior year. It felt like it was Jerry and I against the world. And then he left me alone, to fend for myself." There was bitterness to her words that no one in the room had ever heard before.

"It was right before Christmas when I was in seventh grade, and Jerry was a junior. On Thursdays Jerry usually got home first, since the high school let out first and he didn't have any clubs that day. I rushed home to tell him that I'd won my school spelling bee and would be going to the regionals. The house was quiet when I got there, which was odd because Jerry usually was blasting his music. I rushed up to his room and…" Quinn stopped her voice hitching in her throat. She could see it all again, playing in front of her eyes. She saw her younger self burst into Jeremiah's blue bedroom. She saw the little girl calling out to her brother and getting no replay, rounding the corner to the bathroom and then screaming as the sight of her brother before her. "He'd shot himself in the head in the bathtub."

Quinn began crying hard and when a hand went to her shoulder she shrugged it off, "Everything changed from that moment on. My parents began drinking heavily, Frannie stopped coming home. My father made me get a nose job and die my hair, because he was afraid I would do what Jeremiah had done. He told me he didn't care how I did it, but I had to become popular, that he wouldn't lose another child. So I joined gymnastics and cheerleading. It didn't seem to help; I was stilled teased in eighth grade. They called my fake, sheep, and many other more horrible names. At the end of the year we moved and Dad signed me up for Cheerios and sent me to camp, and changed my name to Quinn. That summer was when HBIC Quinn was born. I became what I despised the most, became the same as the bullies who pushed my brother over the edge, just so that I could be popular, and maybe stop my parents from worrying about me so much. I became that horrible girl because I thought, if I was popular and perfect my parents would stop drinking, that they'd love me for me again, that they'd stop being in so much pain. I was wrong so very wrong." Quinn hadn't looked at anyone during her speech but finally she did and she looked straight into Kurt's eyes, "Dave may have been hurting, and I feel sorry for him, that he had to go through it, but what he did was wrong and selfish. Suicide doesn't just kill the person who committed it; it kills everyone that loved them. I both hate and love my brother now, but most of all, I miss him." With that she stood and left. Now everyone knew the truth about Quinn Fabray, but it didn't matter to Quinn because she'd still lost her brother, her father, and her daughter, but unlike Jeremiah or Dave, she'd preserve and one day, she didn't know when, she'd be healed and she'd be happy. That thought was enough to get up the next morning.

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